Be myself. Write the review. It's OK. Nothing bad is gonna happen. I'm OK. See... I live in what feels like perpetual fear. Rarely, if ever, do I feel like i can sit still and breath, and encompass the wholeness of my being. I always feels like I 'need to be doing something else', even though what I'm doing now, if i think about it, is better than good enough. Anybody else relate to that? Pot for me... helps me to sit still and be with hard feelings. Its puts a little sunshine next to my dark cloud. So i like weed strains that tend to be up, or body, as they say. C99 feels floaty and euphoric, I like it. I don't feel obliterated or wiped out, my consciousness is very present. I don't feel like i checked out. I still feel life, i feel the fear, the uncertainty, the pain and the loss. Hell, been giving myself company all day.Did new things i was scared of. Talked deep and close about friendship and love, almost taboo topics in my family.. sick as it is. So getting home to a night alone and a next day seemed like a lot to deal with. My body literally paces like a caged tiger(that's the abuse from home manifesting) and its terrifying to me. And what's worse, is that I have a judgment about feeling that way... that its wrong. So it's a double whammy. I'm scared and then I'm wrong for being scared. Back to C99. A good strain for me is one that compliments my feeling state. I want to know the deep dark scary places in me... I just didn't think they would last so long. I start to feel like 'too much'. Too intense maybe. Or angry. Thats a fun one. Anyways... a good strain puts some floaty and happy next to the abuse and the hurt, and it seems that my ability to focus on something else, or attend to something I want to do, becomes easier, more accessible. Pot for me doesn't unlock the door completely, or do anything all for me. No, not that. I still have to show up! I was scared to write this review. I was afraid to express myself. Not of people reading. But because it's what I love to do. I love to express creatively in many ways, writing especially. And that gift of mine, that attribute, was attacked outright and viciously. It's not easy to move into much of the time... unless i speak it, nakedly.
Sometimes when I get high, I get nervous... Cause I don't know if "it's" gonna work or not... if its gonna give me what i want. Whatever it is. Peace, relaxation, clarity, forgetfulness, company... the sensation of feeling 'good'. I'm finding more and more that I have to depend on myself to allow the feelings to be OK, and not just rely on the power of the pot. And i like that... and it scares me.
This C99 was a nice high. Getting on 30 min now and it's consistent and very smooth. I used a low end vape. C99 offered up wonderful plumes and aroma. Crystals cover the leaf like gems on display at a museum. OK, that was a so so analogy. I can do and have done better. Leaving it be, via the route of compassion, not perfectionism.
I have no idea if anybody reads these writings or not. And if you do... thanks. I hope you get something out of it worth while. Some of the smartest people I know smoke pot. Physicists n such. The image and old idea of the "Pothead" is dead. The level and sophistication of the strain can match the level and sophistication of the user.
And someday... I won't need it at all.
I love broke humans-
OccamsPhazer