On the eve of President-elect Trump’s inauguration, we close the door on a historic era of great significance that touched the lives of millions of Americans. I’m talking, of course, about The Onion‘s fantastic, hilarious, and ridiculous series of articles depicting Vice President Joe Biden as a check bouncing, guitar shredding, womanizing, hair metal-loving schemer and dreamer. With gut-busting headlines like “Biden Lines Up Sweet Summer Gig Installing Above-Ground Swimming Pools,” “Biden Arrives Early To Set Up State Of The Union Fog Machine,” and “Frantic Biden Searching Dog Shelter For Bo Look-Alike,” the satirical publication painted a whimsical picture of the “Bice” President as a character you’d expect to see in a Richard Linklater film rather than in the White House.
The Onion has assembled a compilation of its Biden stories (and picture-perfect photoshops) over the past eight years. I strongly urge you to crack open a tallboy, cue up some Whitesnake, and read through them all, including these delightful cannabis-angled stories I’ve highlighted below. We’ll miss you, Fake Uncle Joe. Thanks for the laughs.
“Biden Frantically Hitting Up Cabinet Members For Clean Piss”
“A cabinet meeting in the White House’s West Wing was reportedly interrupted early Thursday morning when an agitated Vice President Joe Biden suddenly barged in, asking if anyone could ‘hook [him] up with a Dixie cup’ of their urine.” (Read more.)
“Biden Gets Grow Light Delivered To White House Under Fake Name”
“Long story, but I had a little mishap with my rig a few weeks ago and some of the guys on the Plantazoid forums said this thing is the shit.” (Read more.)
“Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business”
“‘Aw, Christ, now everyone will be growing their own herb,’ said a visibly upset Biden, adding that he was ‘raking it in’ before D.C. voters approved ‘that horseshit’ Marijuana Legalization Initiative in a ballot measure last November. ‘Don’t get me wrong, Uncle Joe is slinging the dankest nugs in town. But who’s going to call me up for an eighth of Purple Trainwreck if they can just grab some buds from their own homegrown stash?’” (Read more.)
“Biden Chokes Up While Describing Hardworking Americans Who Can Only Afford Shitty Ditch Weed”
“For Christ’s sake, it kills me to see decent folks—folks who are our neighbors, friends, and parents—trying to make a living and doing their very best, and yet they’re still too broke to buy the sticky ganja that gets you totally baked. These are real Americans forced to settle for torching up super-harsh dirt weed that gives you a big headache and just crashes your ass out.” (Read more.)