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The Pros and Cons of Going to the Grocery Store While High

April 4, 2017
The Pros and Cons of Going to the Grocery Store While High
Going to the grocery store high is one of my favorite activities because I never know how it’ll end. In fact, I think of the experiences as the new official America’s Pastime. It could be a quick errand where I run in there, grab a box of baby spinach and some pineapples, and be back out of the door in 274 seconds flat. Or it could be an absolute adventure where I’m there for hours, just wandering the aisles aimlessly in search of the perfect munchies, even though I only came for paper towels and toothpaste. Most of the time it’s the latter; and I absolutely love it. It’s like the Ancient Greek philosopher Forrestine Gumpicus once said, “Going to the grocery store stoned is like a box of chocolates: ya never know what you’re gonna get.”

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Now, I could sit here all day and talk to you about why being stoned at the grocery store is a top five everyday experience, but for now I’ll scale it back to just a few reasons.

Pros of Grocery Shopping While Stoned

It’s a Calming Experience

87% of the time, grocery shopping is a solo activity, which means the grocery store is the perfect place for some uninterrupted Me Time. No one’s bothering you with their political opinions, you aren’t stressing about the thousands of unread emails in your inbox, that rapidly approaching writing deadline doesn’t even seem to matter. All you’re focused on is finding that perfect bag of spinach for your morning smoothies.

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That’s why I love grocery shopping so much. I can’t explain it, but something about walking up and down those aisles is just so calming to me. I can literally feel the stresses of life fall from my shoulders as I pass by the cans of Chef Boyardee. Toss in the calming effects of cannabis and it becomes a truly euphoric experience. Just be aware that if you get too high, the anxiety and paranoia of being in the wild might hit you like a freight train and suddenly it’s like holy shit I have to get out of here immediately. (This is also the case for pretty much every single place that isn’t my house.)

You’ll Discover New Snacks

Did you know Nabisco combined the cookie forces of Chips Ahoy and Oreo to produce THIS:

Chips Ahoy / Oreo combo cookies
Neither did I, but thanks to me being high at the grocery store, we do now. I’m one of those people that eats out almost every meal, so when I go grocery shopping, I tend to only grab the essentials. However, one night I had a lot of time to kill and decided to wander up and down every single aisle at Tom Thumb (my local store) to see if I was missing out on any snacks.

Long story short: I was. Not only did they have the Chips Ahoy/Oreo creme boys, they also had like six other flavors I didn’t know existed. It was one of the most blissful experiences of my life.

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…That is, until I got home and discovered that aforementioned cookie combo is absolute traaaaash. GARBAGIO! They were such a disappointment that I may never trust another food mashup again.

Luckily, the taste of the cookies isn’t the point. The point is had I not gotten high before going, I wouldn’t have decided to waste my entire evening at the grocery store, thus never finding an entire new genre of cookie. Bottom line: Get high. Go shopping. Snack up, son.

Surprise! Today’s Now Your Cheat Day

One of my biggest joys in life is when a supposed-to-eat-healthy day accidentally turns into a well-damn-I-guess-today-is-a-cheat-day day. I literally wake up every single day and hope for this progression. Most of the time, I’m pretty good about not letting it happen, but if I’m high at the grocery store then all bets are off.

If I’m not in and out, the chances of filling my basket with countless bad decisions increases by a solid 73%. (I crunched the numbers.) But I wouldn’t call that a bad thing considering I currently have five different mac and cheeses in my freezer right damn now. How many people do you know that currently have five different macs? Exactly one: me. That’s it. Why fit in if you were born to stand out?

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P.S. Try the Devour White Cheddar/Bacon Mac and Cheese. It’ll change your life.

Now, while being stoned at the grocery has a tremendous amount of perks, it also has its setbacks. Much like everything else in life, you have to take the good with the bad.

Cons of Grocery Shopping While Stoned

You’ll Break The Bank

You’re definitely going to waste a lot of money at the grocery store if you’re making high decisions. Trust me. I’ve been there. I’ve seen it. I know darkness. You don’t know financial irresponsibility like I know financial irresponsibility.

You don’t know what it’s like to buy a bottle of each brand of bottled water just to see which tastes best. (Spoiler alert: They all taste like water.) But when I’ve got the most supreme case of cottonmouth in modern history, I’m not at liberty to limit my hydration. There’s just something so shameful about buying a bunch of groceries while stoned, only to throw away half of the stuff because you couldn’t eat it all before it expired. Leonardo DiCaprio might spit in my face if he knew I was living life like this.

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You’ll Waste So Much Time

I may love being high at the grocery store, but the most dangerous part of it all is the time spent. Time always flies when I’m high, so a 15-minute Cinnamon Toast Crunch run can turn into a 86-minute Wait-What-All-Don’t-I-Own-At-Least-One-Package-Of run in an instant. It’s wild. I know being locked in a grocery store was everyone’s childhood dream, but you can’t finish those last four episodes of This Is Us if you’re spending 49 minutes at Target trying to decide between DiGiorno or Tombstone. (The answer is Red Baron.)

The Cashier’s Judgment

You ever been in the grocery store so long that you start opening the snacks you plan to buy? If not, the next time you’re in there, go ahead and do it. You’ll feel like a fucking boss. It’s like, “Yo, don’t worry about this Ham & Swiss Lunchable, people! They know I’m good for it!”

They don’t though. They 100% do not know if you are good for it. You should see the looks I get when I slide that empty container up there. It’s like “Sir, your card better work or we’re going to have problems!” And I’m looking back like “You can relax. I’m good for $2.37 all day every day. Matter fact, throw these peanut M&Ms on there too since you want to play me.”

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In addition to that, you’ll get the general judgment of “Why did you need white cheddar mac, beefy mac, regular mac, buffalo chicken mac, AND the deep dish baked mac?” Answer: I didn’t. But sometimes life’s not about what you need, it’s about what you want.

Dante Jordan's Bio Image

Dante Jordan

Dante Jordan is a Content Associate for Leafly, where he specializes in creating topics pertaining to cannabis products, strains, and dispensaries. He also manages the Leafly strain database.

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  • Sniglet66

    Great article! Now for the follow up: thrift store and estate sale shopping while high! Its very interesting to go to estate sales high, pondering what the lives of the former residents was like. You run into all kinds of collections, antiques. Fun!

    • Jaquen Hgar

      yeah, but whatya do about the “smell” of old unwashed clothes?

      • Sniglet66

        Stay out of the clothing section and stick to housewares and books.

  • Martin Eugene Freeman

    Really? pot does not make me hungry hight or not most times I go into a grocery store I leave with nothing.

    • CannaOccult

      Your smoking the wrong pot then.

      • Martin Eugene Freeman

        At 71 and smoking since I was in my tweneties I believe I have some the right pot sometimes. Food just does not interest me. Barely can get most food down. Pot does not help

        • Dev O

          Sorry to hear you’re feeling badly. In the event you haven’t tried it, I would recommend trying the ‘Tangie” strain in order to try and stimulate your appetite. It’s Sativa dominant and helps foucus and creativity (and MUCHIES).
          on the other side, “Grape God Bud” (Indica Dom) has a similar effect on stimulating appetite, but good for night-time pain and sleep. I get the feeling you’ve tried nearly everything, but just in case………….GOOD LUCK

          • Martin Eugene Freeman

            Hey really appreciate your suggestions and I will try them to see what happens. And I personelly do NOT enjoy eating. Food in general does not taste good so even if I am hungry I do not eat for it not a fun thing to do. I am very healthy and I attempt to eat well but forget almost all food no not chocolate or fish or meat or most food. Literally put garlic hot sauce on most things to kill the taste and get things down. I get stone but not from vaping and I may get hungry but that does not make me want to eat. Staying alive gets me to eat. Thanks for all your input. My health is fine just don’t ask me to eat.

  • Lindsay Hank

    good laughs right here

  • JonathanCrane

    I am severely concerned; why would someone ever question having a variety of Mac?

  • Elisa Day

    Damn funny writer. 😀

  • quel-y

    When I go to the grocery store high it feels like everyone is looking at me, all the girls are interested in me, all the food looks yummy, I’m minding my own bidness and yet still everyone is looking at me. 🙂

  • Norman Hines

    Done it many times since I have a problem being around people and it helps calm me. I do find myself buying some extra snack items but as a vegetarian and aspiring vegan I’m careful with what I buy but do find myself straying to the more decadent snacks if I’ve gone a bit overboard with the herb so you might find some vegan ice cream or cookies in my cart. 🙂

  • I think those items stacked near the register are meant for folks that are high. That’s the only time I pay attention to them,

  • Jaquen Hgar

    Nooooooo, Chips ahoy oreo anything, but betcha the fresh baked goods has lots of malingerers.

    • Sniglet66

      I am a female of short stature – the baked goods at our grocery store are right at my nose/eye level. Really in my face! One day, while baked at a Level 7 or so, I realized I had been not just looking, but leering at a cheese danish for 10 minutes, thinking to myself”: “Ohhhh cheese danish, if I could get you alone and away from the other pastries…the fun we would have in my mouth…”

  • Nice! Really good to read.