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Watch This: A British Bloke Outlines 5 Different Types of Stoner

April 8, 2017
Watch This: A British Bloke Outlines 5 Different Types of Stoner
For this week’s Watch This, I came across a pretty funny video of a British dude named Sam Briggs talking about the five types of different stoners. Although I’m not sure you can lump us all into just five categories, for the most part, he hits the nail right on the head. Watch and I guarantee you’ll know at least one person the falls into each category.

Looking for an “I’m not about to watch this, gimme a summary of the action” recap? I got you.

1. The Spliff Gremlin

The Spliff Gremlin (or Moochie Norris, as we call it in my world) is the smoker that’s always mooching off of other people’s goods. They can smell a joint being sparked from a mile away and as the cherry starts rolling, they’re right there like Jordan Peele in the Obama College Years sketch. I died when the video said he can’t maintain eye contact because he’s trying not to miss his chance to smoke; that hit very close to home.

Sadly, I used to be this guy in my early days. But it wasn’t even on purpose. I was just alwaaaays around when a blunt got lit, so it was like “Yo…Let ya boy hit that tho.” Now I’ve evolved into a grown-ass man that comes through with favors and refreshments on deck. Life’s all about growth.

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2. The Couch Ninja

You hit him up, he’s always home. You get there, he’s always on the same spot on the couch. Coffee table covered in shake and gravity bong water. Buffalo Wild Wings boxes stacked to the top of the trash can. And you know that he’ll be in the same spot, in the same situation, the next time you come back.

3. The Connoisseur

This is that uppity smoker that wants to discuss the ins and out of the strain you’re smoking and tell you why the Death Star he smoked once was 87 times better. You can’t even grind up your cannabis because he’s been staring at the nugs under his iPhone flashlight for the past 37 minutes, discussing the THC crystals like you aren’t just here to get high and order $43.28 worth of Postmates. I was cracking up when the video talked about The Connoisseur being disgusted with the weight of the bag, because I definitely have friends that take it personally if you purchase anything less than an 8th.

4. The Productive Pothead

This is the smoker that can face 500 Ls and still run through a to-do list like it’s nothing. You watch him with envy like “Damn, if I could just be more like Captain Responsibility.” I’ve always wanted to be this guy, but it just doesn’t work out like that. I can smoke and write, but when it comes to smoking and getting other things done…Nah, not ya boy.

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Cannabis isn’t making you lazy, your bad habits are

5. The Novice

The Novice is the absolute worst, but we were all once this person. He gets way too high for his own good and can’t function like a basic human. You ask them a question and the only thing they can manage to say is “huh?” The Novice goes 3 hours without saying a word because inside he’s having a complete panic attack. The paranoia is absolutely destroying him. You ask “Yo, you good?” and the novice nods yes, but the truth is that he has never been further from good.

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Dante Jordan

Dante Jordan is an Associate Subject Matter Expert for Leafly, where he specializes in informational and lifestyle content pertaining to cannabis strains and products. He also manages the Leafly strain database.

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  • Sitkajo

    There is another type of stoner. The secret stash, discreet stoner. For example they could be middle aged or even a senior, with a professional job, a wife and kids and living in the suburbs. You probably never meet him because he only gets high alone. You might smell a whiff of MJ as he walks the dog by you skater kids in the park. Some old people got some lengthy history in cannabis culture going back to the old days.
    Peace out!

  • Raul Tsi

    ya know, I’ve been smoking since 1972 and every now and then I still turn into the damn novice

    what’s with that?

    About 8 years ago, I got turned onto brewing with cannabis (in an emulsion with olive oil) and have really grown to love consuming cannabis via drinking or edible and have not had a panic attack since. Not even with a gram of incredible bubble hash dissolved into two cups of tea, one for each of us. I was annihilated, getting those infamous hashish head rushes but never a second’s “uh-oh, what did I get into?”

    I now have a medical card and access to cannabis the likes of which I used to dream about, legally. I’ve had it for 6 months now and I’ve yet to have taken a single toke of any of the beautiful clean tested cannabis. I keep thinking “Oh, wouldn’t it be nice to spin up a number and blaze it up.” At 12.84 to 19.50 a gram, depending on quantity purchased, I’ve yet to indulge. I’m taking my cannabis orally every night to assist my glaucoma meds in decreasing my intra ocular pressure during sleep, when IOP is known to be highest. There are many nights when I don’t even remember hitting the pillow. I sleep like a rock and I wake up feeling great.