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Ancient Russian Warrior Race Pre-Funked Battles With Cannabis Packed in Gold Bongs

June 8, 2015

Indiana Jones isn’t the only archeologist who digs up ancient artifacts powerful enough to melt your face off, although this latest find is more of a figurative face melt than a literal one. A team of archeologists in the Caucasus Mountains of southern Russia recently unearthed two bongs made of pure gold that date back over 2,400 years. The bongs were reportedly used by tribal chiefs to smoke both cannabis and opium.

These ceremonial water pipes were believed to be used by the Scythians, a nomadic warrior race that ruled large portions of Europe and Asia from 800 B.C. – 300 A.D. The group was rumored to smoke a potent mix of cannabis and opium before battle. That’s right, a bad-ass group of warriors used to pre-funk their fights with cannabis, and it sounded pretty sativa-leaning if Greek historian Herodotus’ writings are any indication of the type of plant used:

“Scythians used a plant to produce smoke that no Grecian vapour-bath can surpass which made them shout aloud.”

Man, if this is how Scythians prepared for battle, I’d love to see how they celebrated their victories (is anyone else envisioning an ancient dab bar?). Recall also that an ancient Siberian princess from 2,500 years ago may have consumed cannabis to help battle her breast cancer. Those Ruskies were all about medical marijuana a couple thousand years before the rest of the world started to catch up and follow suit (although nowadays you should probably refrain from the whole “world domination” part of the ritual).

Clearly the most valuable lesson to be gleaned from this excavation is that the next time someone labels you a “lazy stoner” when you reach for your bong, fire back with “If it’s good for Russian tribal royalties, it’s good for me.”