Bro Out With These 10 Broiest Cannabis Products on the MarketDante JordanNovember 14, 2017
Yes, so-called “bros” are definitely a segment of the cannabis market—and we’re not saying anything against bros—but some of the products marketed at them are just silly. Behold, the following: 10 of the broiest items out there.
Dog. What kind of broey-ass shit is this? A cannabis-flavored condom that looks, smells, and tastes like the real deal? WHO NEEDS THAT? What bro was in the middle of a passionate evening with his significant and thought, “Ya know what would make this better? If the room smelled like Tangerine Dream instead of sex must”? When I first came across this I thought they were THC-infused condoms, and I was like, okay—but they’re not. I think the only thing broier than this product is the fact that it’s sold out.
Nothing broier than telling a woman to stop talking and do something for you. Mix that with the broiness of displaying your bis and tris for no justifiable reason, and you get this silly-ass tank top that I guarantee some bro somewhere is looking at right now like “Dude … I fucking need that.” But guess what, bro? You don’t. No one does.
And from the Barstool Sports cannabis greeting card line (lol, just kidding, it’s not Barstool merch, but you very much believed it was and that even further proves my point) comes the Babes, Bacon, and Blunts hemp card from Stoner Days. Imagine card shopping for the holidays and then seeing this and thinking, “Know what? Fuck the Best Wishes card. I’m going with the card with Opie Taylor’s face, a blunt being rolled, and female ass cleavage on it.”
Can white people ever just chill? Is that possible? I see this hat and I can already see the exact type of bro that would buy some silly shit like this. His name is Tyler, his GPA is 1.7, he uses the word “dank” in every sentence, even when not talking about cannabis, and he definitely speaks in a fake Jamaican accent every time he dons this hat. It’s his party trick. If you match the description of that type of bro, stop it right now. Apologize to me via email, then stop it.
These are the single worst item on this list. Hot take: The “HEY LOOK AT ME, I SMOKA DAH WEEDS” type of merchandise is the worst of all cannabis merchandise. I fucking HATE these damn socks, for exactly that reason. Every time I see them, it’s some bro in a tank top and cargo shorts just begging someone to ask if he smokes, so he can answer, “Yeah, but I don’t have any.” I will admit that that the color patterns are very cool, but for what the socks represent—a cheap marketing ploy aimed at young stoners—I have to say: Get this Brochella apparel the fuck out of my face.
The golf course is the watering hole for all things bro, so this item had to make the list. But I can’t even front, I think it’s pretty clever and I might end up buying it. It’s a golf ball that opens and acts as a stash box, and a one-hitter shaped as a golf tee. It’s broey as hell, but it’s still a pretty dope idea.
This is an iPhone and Android game that allows you to grow your own cannabis inside of an apartment, then sell it to customers who beat down your front door for as long as the game is open. It’s basically an instructional guide/RPG for college kids who want to do jail time. In fact, the sequel to the game is called Weed Firm 2: Back to College. It’s one of the broiest items because it’s clear that some seller-bro was like, “Dude, we should make an app for this.” Plus, at the core of issue is the point that the mission of legalization is to remove the black market, and all of the negative opinions that it has generated, from existence.
Look at the guy in the picture, then look at the costume, then look back and him and you’ll think, “Of course a dude that would wear this costume looks like that.” This is one of those bro ideas that’s only funny in discussion, but once it exists in reality, you’re like “Connor, can you not?” This is the type of shit that’s made and sold by people who do not smoke.
The description above also applies here. But the difference between the two is that the above is for bros who know they’re making a joke; this suit is for bros who are serious. Imagine wearing this in public and thinking you’re making a serious political and fashion statement. Imagine.
The jokes write themselves here.