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And then there's Allen Wrench. When it comes to the Wrench, don't flail around with grams: go right for an eighter. You'll appreciate the bag of High Times centerfold buds -- compact, rippled with red hairs and powdered with a dusting of white crystals; this is some of da kind that demands your attention. Don't just snap off a bud and cram it in your pipe, you fucking Philistine! No, stop and admire. Breathe in the chemically scent. Give it the ol' pinch-test for density. THEN cram it in your pipe and smoke it! 15 minutes later when you're laughing your ass off at "Action Bronson Watches Ancient Aliens", try to give a fuck about something. Protip: you won't be able to! That's because Allen Wrench absorbs 10,000 times its own weight in fucks! Dinner's three hours late? Don't give a fuck. Car's being re-possessed? Don't give a fuck. Cat's speaking Swahili and your third eye is now projecting Dan Deacon videos? I told you to lay off those bathsalts, motherfucker! Who needs that shit when you've got a miracle like Allen Wrench smouldering in your pipe? Hit that shit quick before it all goes up in smoke! "Waste not the Allen," sayth the dude sitting to your right who has been waiting for you to pass that pipe since you started reading this shit. And do you give a fuck? No? Exactly.

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