Bubblegum Kush as you sink into the warm bath of Bob’s hypnotic, dulcet tones.
Here’s a guide to some of the amazing things you’re likely to find yourself doing while Bob paints for you.
1. Paint Along with Him in Your Head
Two types of people watch Bob Ross:
- Your grandma, in the ’90s
- You, high, right now
When Bob Ross began hosting The Joy of Painting in 1983, he probably thought the bulk of his audience would be painting along with him, like your grandma. Little did he know you and everyone you know were planning on getting blazed and half-ironically watching the show while eating Little Debbies in bed.
If there’s one thing an evening alone watching Bob Ross can do for you, it’s instill confidence in your ability. Unfortunately for you, you can’t actually paint no matter how much encouragement you receive from the spectacularly afro’ed American hero on your screen. But go ahead and pretend you’re doing it. Maybe one day you’ll get high enough to buy yourself some brushes and paint from Michaels and try to paint a mountain once before you give up.
2. Consider Abandoning Your Life to Live With Squirrels
You’re halfway through an episode when all of a sudden, SQUIRRELS!
Holy shit Bob keeps pet squirrels. Why does Bob have squirrels? We may never have a better answer to that question than: Because he’s Bob Ross. He hosts the baby ones until they’re healthy and then sends them off into the world, like the Paintron Saint of Adorable Rodents.
If you watch too many episodes interjected with baby squirrels in a row, which you are bound to do since you’re going to watch the entire season in a single weekend sitting, your mind may begin to wander. You may ask, “What’s it like to be Bob Ross, living in Alaska with your family, your squirrels, and your endless supply of professionally pre-stretched canvas?”
No matter your previous life goals, you will become overwhelmed with the urge to give it all up to paint well and swiftly for a camera and a nut-hoarding chitterer. All this because Bob swept you up in his colorful world and then surprised you with the squirrels.
Because you are high, you will think more about the squirrels. These lucky little creatures get to live with Bob Ross. He probably cradles them in his gentle, nimble hands every night, whispering softly to them sweet nuggets of wisdom like, “When life throws you a curveball, cover it with a happy little tree.”
Your high mind will spend hours attempting to untangle the knotted logic of that previous sentence. It will fail.
Maybe you don’t even want to hang with the squirrels. Perhaps you want to be the squirrels. Either way, you will feel a deep, desperate yearning for Bob Ross to pry you out of the cold clutches of your painful life. And then your high will fade and you’ll move onto the next phase.
3. Make Tender Love
You may not think of Beauty is Everywhere as erotic programming, but Bob Ross’s success has defied every law of attention, popularity, and attraction. You always assume that painting is boring and Bob won’t suck you in, until one swipe of his brush turns an empty blue space into a nuanced and magical lake. Then, not only are you intrigued, your brain may explode from pure amazement. So what can you do next to put back together the pieces?
It turns out that cannabis-infused Bob Ross is soothing in a way that lets you release yourself in any way you choose. Bob offers a surprising number of great sexual triggers, like “Moosh it in there hard.” You’ll also find yourself, alarmingly, wondering how Bob Ross had sex. Which leads you to the next stage in the process:
4. Develop Bob Ross-Based Conspiracy Theories
Bob Ross seems really into his paintings. No one loves paintings like he does. But how much does he love them? Does he want to be them or does he want to be inside of them…stroking them? Does Bob Ross watch his own show while making love? Or maybe, just maybe, this is some sort of weird painting/voyeuristic fetish that he was able to capitalize on. He did say — I can’t remember which episode, I think it was the one with the seagulls – “I still get a fantastic charge out of just watching it happen.”
So do we, Bob. So do we.
Okay maybe this conspiracy theory thing is just me spiraling out because I’ve been watching this show for eight straight hours…
Or maybe Bob Ross is some kind of hero sent to lead us to peaceful pastures.
Maybe Bob Ross is God. He is, after all, creating an entire world before our eyes so we never have to go outside again.
Or maybe Bob Ross is just the actual coolest person to ever live.
We may never know the truth.
5. Revere and Celebrate Him
No matter what you believe about Bob Ross, he deserves to be celebrated. His ability to be inherently hopeful has taught us more than painting, especially when we’re not learning to paint at all. This entire time, he thought he was making a show about creating art. It turns out the real art was the show itself.