Watch This: Spiders (Fake) Try Different Drugs, Weave Wacky Webs
I don’t know how I found this video, but I’m glad I did because it’s so damn funny to me. Who even thinks of some shit like this? The internet. That’s who. And I’m forever grateful because this entire thing is about life in Corporate America. Each spider represents a certain type of co-worker and as soon as I take this hit of AK-47, I’ll tell you who’s who.
Editor’s note: Yes, this video is a joke. Nobody got a bunch of spiders high to see what sort of webs they’d weave (to my knowledge, anyway).
LSD Spider is the young co-worker that realizes the soul-suck of a trash job in Corporate America isn’t worth it. So LSD Spider takes its checks, stacks them for a little bit, then dips out like the finesse king he is. Because if you look at the video, you’ll notice that LSD Spider took one hit, said, “Man, fuck this web building (Microsoft Excel) shit,” and dipped smooth out.
This is the co-worker who’s always stressed out and shit. It’s like damn bro/broette, you’re really over there spazzing about this job like quitting isn’t an option? Your spazzy nature is mad unproductive, just like Caffeine Spider, who drank its coffee and couldn’t stop spinning for hours. It’s honestly ruining THC Spider’s vibe, but he’s so chill that it’s all funny to him.
This is your co-worker that does enough work just to get by. He clearly doesn’t care about the job, but he stays because the checks come easy. He just chills on his hammock (cubicle) all day and surfs the internet. Might even write an article for Leafly. THC Spider lives so freely that if the storm of HR were to come, he might be screwed. But by that point, he’ll be out of there, just like LSD Spider. Because if he’s not, he’ll eventually become Crack-Cocaine Spider’s bitch. THC Spider ain’t nobody’s bitch.
This is your boss. He’s got all the money and the best life, the wife and kids, all of that shit. But deep down he’s messed up. Something’s going on. Because you smell whiskey on his breath every day and he somehow hasn’t noticed that mouth wash actually heightens the smell of cigarettes on his breath.
This is that snake ass co-worker that you know has it out for you. He plays all nice and acts friendly, but you know he’s watching your moves and waiting for you to slip up so he can snitch about a fireable offense that opens up your spot. So you beware of him, because like this video, he’ll fuck you over at any given opportunity. And he’ll probably get that opportunity. He’ll do enough snake-ish things and suck up enough to get that promotion above THC Spider and be in the position to do so. Don’t get finessed, THC Spiders.
Dante Jordan is a writer living in Dallas, TX. He enjoys overdosing on mac and cheese, avoiding his coworkers, and complaining about being broke while dropping $30 on margaritas at any given opportunity. Follow him on Twitter @Dante_Jordan.