The Zoo: Is It Worth the High?

(iStock/AKKHARAT JARUSILAWONG)

Welcome to “Is It Worth the High?”, where our writers see newly released movies, listen to the latest album drops, and try other experiences while high to determine whether they’re worth your time, money, and most importantly, your cannabis buzz. This week, Dante Jordan takes a trip to the zoo.


Products Enjoyed: 2 joints of Purple Urkle (rolled with Artesano Raw Papers)

High Experienced (1-10): 10, oh boy was it a 10.

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Everyone loves to get high and watch nature documentaries. It’s just part of the culture. But what about going to a zoo and actually living a nature documentary? Is that a fun activity to do while high? Well, I recently got stupid blazed, then ventured out to the Fort Worth Zoo to find out. Let’s talk about it, shall we?

For a couple of years, I’d been hearing that the Fort Worth Zoo was one the best in the land. Ahead of my arrival, I ingested enough THC to take down a rhino. I was fully prepared to walk around the zoo and stare at/learn about animals for hours upon hours. Did the enjoyment go as planned? Well, not exactly.

Heatwaves and Kidwaves

Zoos are a great idea—in theory. Animals are dope and entertaining to watch in their “natural” habitat. However, shortly after entrance, you soon realize that attending a zoo is sort of like attending a sporting event: yeah, it’s cool you’re there, but you’d get the exact same—or even better—experience from watching Planet Earth on the couch. It doesn’t help that summertime is prime time when the zoo is FLOODED WITH KIDS RUNNING AROUND AND BEING LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS FOR NO REASON.

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No matter where you go or what you’re trying to see, there’s always going to be a group of children banging on the windows or pushing you aside to get a closer look. And you can’t even be mad, because the zoo is kind of for kids, not 28-year-old stoners. In addition to the hoards fo children, and much like amusement parks, zoos are a game of 1-on-1 between you and extreme heat.

You’re going to be outside and it is going to be so very hot, unless you live in one of those places where the temperature barely crosses 80. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I absolutely hate being overheated while super stoned. It makes my body feel weird, and I get EXTREMELY dehydrated, which, ya know, can lead to death. No biggie.

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Are the Animals Happy?

In addition to the rambunctious children and incredible heat, the zoo kind of sucks. The animals aren’t really doing anything. A gorilla might come up and bang on a window, or you might see a gold-headed lion tamarin move amongst the trees; but, for the most part, the animals are just laying around staring at you as you stare at them.

It’s really no different than viewing animals on Google Images.

This differs from aquariums because the water aspect makes all of the animals more active, thus more interesting. No lie, I watched a group of kids scream at a tiger to “do something” for no less than 20 minutes. Did he? Hell no.

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Plus, for a zoo to be worth the high, the selection of animals has to be extensive. We’ve all seen regular ass giraffes and rhinos and orangutans, so if they don’t have a special exhibit or featured animals, nothing’s going to make that particular zoo special enough to warrant it being a stoner adventure. At most zoos, this is the case, but fortunately for me, the Fort Worth Zoo had a white tiger (which just so happens to be my favorite animal).

Is It Worth the High?

In the end, are zoos worth the high? Based on my experience, I’d say no. It’s way too hot; all of the kids running around like hooligans will most certainly blow your high and cause extreme anxiety; and even if you see one cool animal, it won’t make up for a plethora of unimpressive animals.