Leafly’s strain reviews are user-generated, meaning anyone who tries a strain can pull it up in our database and leave a review, rating the selection from one to five stars and offering up a little blurb about its effects, flavors, and any ailments or diseases it helped manage. They’re informative, appreciated, and, well, often hilarious (the reviewers are often stoned, after all). But lately we noticed a recurring theme with some reviewers who are looking for a clever way to express how high they are and coming up about 12 feet short.
I’m talking, of course, about giraffe genitalia. Peruse this sampling of strain reviews and you’ll understand what I mean:
“it’s some fire. had me higher than giraffe nuts.”
“Smoked one bowl on the way to Oxford. High as giraffe nuts!! By far my favorite strain!!!”
“Goddamn. This strain is some old school shit, but goddamn. I’m high as giraffe pussy right now.”
You get the idea. Clever, right?
No. It isn’t. Because, as this handy chart illustrates, giraffe genitals aren’t actually that high:
A male giraffe can grow up to 18 feet tall, and its legs are about six feet long. Logically, a giraffe’s genitals are located near the top of its legs, making its intimate bits also about 5 1/2 – 6 ft off the ground (give or take the “hang time” of the organ in question). Thus, going back to the above chart, if you’re “as high” or “higher than” a “giraffe’s nuts,” you’re about as high as you are tall (within about a foot, depending on your height). That’s not very high. Not very high at all. Essentially, when you exclaim that “This strain made me higher than a giraffe’s balls!”, what you’re expressing is that a) you’re actually quite functional, and b) you apparently think a giraffe is 150 feet tall.
Stoners, we can do better than this. Pick up a creative strain to get the juices flowing and come up with a better height analogy than a giraffe’s giblets. Some suggestions:
- “This strain got me higher than the Burj Khalifa, which, at 2,722 feet, is the tallest building in the world!”
- “I got so blazed, I’m as high as a redwood tree, which can grow up to 360 feet tall!”
- “I’m higher than the glorious Angel Falls in Venezuela, the highest waterfall in the world at over 3,200 feet!”
- Or, if you insist on sticking with the giraffe comparison, “I’m higher than a giraffe’s ossicones, the horn-like protuberances on a giraffe’s head!”
Now that you’re armed with the newfound knowledge of things that are actually high up, pick up one of these strains that inspired a reviewer to think of a giraffe’s babymaker (or receiver):
“Veganic Chernobyl is fucking great! I’m at Kyle Kushmans house pulling bong rips,and I’m higher then giraffe pussy!! Big ups to Dioxide!!
“its flame. had me higher than giraffe nuts. it’s some fire.”
“had me higher than giraffe nuts.”
“Flo is one of my favorite strains perfect mix of Sativa fruity pebbles smell with an Indica kick to the head. High as a giraffes ass from the crumble.” – Ryno602
“got the ogkb cut of this, completely covered in trichromes, looked like it was frozen!!! super duper, grade A+ smoke. had me high as a giraffes ass!” – stankynuggsackz
“Smoked one bowl on the way to Oxford. High as giraffe nuts!! By far my favorite strain!!!” – SwisherSmoke
“… I’m here to tell you that “I’m am higher than giraffe pussy on this 16th day of July in the year of or great lord 2015.” – airblown
“Goddamn. This strain is some old school shit, but goddamn. I’m high as giraffe pussy right now.” – siredmundduke
“This is some loud shit y’all packed the one hitter once and got high than a giraffes pussy no b.s.” – Kodak1
…and finally, one reviewer who got it right:
“Dis shit got me high as a fucking giraffe” – JamesBongg
I’ll allow it, because giraffes are pretty high. (Although, as we now know, their genitals are not.)