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We Get It, These Strains Make You Higher Than a Giraffe’s Genitals

March 26, 2016

Leafly’s strain reviews are user-generated, meaning anyone who tries a strain can pull it up in our database and leave a review, rating the selection from one to five stars and offering up a little blurb about its effects, flavors, and any ailments or diseases it helped manage. They’re informative, appreciated, and, well, often hilarious (the reviewers are often stoned, after all). But lately we noticed a recurring theme with some reviewers who are looking for a clever way to express how high they are and coming up about 12 feet short.

I’m talking, of course, about giraffe genitalia. Peruse this sampling of strain reviews and you’ll understand what I mean:

“it’s some fire. had me higher than giraffe nuts.”

“Smoked one bowl on the way to Oxford. High as giraffe nuts!! By far my favorite strain!!!”

“Goddamn. This strain is some old school shit, but goddamn. I’m high as giraffe pussy right now.”

You get the idea. Clever, right?

No. It isn’t. Because, as this handy chart illustrates, giraffe genitals aren’t actually that high:

A human compared to a giraffe (size comparison), via Big-Animals.com

A human compared to a giraffe (diagram courtesy of Big-Animals.com)

A male giraffe can grow up to 18 feet tall, and its legs are about six feet long. Logically, a giraffe’s genitals are located near the top of its legs, making its intimate bits also about 5 1/2 – 6 ft off the ground (give or take the “hang time” of the organ in question). Thus, going back to the above chart, if you’re “as high” or “higher than” a “giraffe’s nuts,” you’re about as high as you are tall (within about a foot, depending on your height). That’s not very high. Not very high at all. Essentially, when you exclaim that “This strain made me higher than a giraffe’s balls!”, what you’re expressing is that a) you’re actually quite functional, and b) you apparently think a giraffe is 150 feet tall.

Stoners, we can do better than this. Pick up a creative strain to get the juices flowing and come up with a better height analogy than a giraffe’s giblets. Some suggestions:

  • “This strain got me higher than the Burj Khalifa, which, at 2,722 feet, is the tallest building in the world!”
  • “I got so blazed, I’m as high as a redwood tree, which can grow up to 360 feet tall!”
  • “I’m higher than the glorious Angel Falls in Venezuela, the highest waterfall in the world at over 3,200 feet!”
  • Or, if you insist on sticking with the giraffe comparison, “I’m higher than a giraffe’s ossicones, the horn-like protuberances on a giraffe’s head!”

Now that you’re armed with the newfound knowledge of things that are actually high up, pick up one of these strains that inspired a reviewer to think of a giraffe’s babymaker (or receiver):

Chernobyl

Leafly "Chernobyl" hybrid cannabis strain tile

“Veganic Chernobyl is fucking great! I’m at Kyle Kushmans house pulling bong rips,and I’m higher then giraffe pussy!! Big ups to Dioxide!!

Sour Diesel

Leafly "Sour Diesel" sativa cannabis strain tile

“its flame. had me higher than giraffe nuts. it’s some fire.”

“had me higher than giraffe nuts.”

Flo

Leafly "Flo" hybrid cannabis strain tile

“Flo is one of my favorite strains perfect mix of Sativa fruity pebbles smell with an Indica kick to the head. High as a giraffes ass from the crumble.” – Ryno602

Thin Mint GSC (f.k.a Girl Scout Cookies)

Leafly "Thin Mint GSC (f.k.a Girl Scout Cookies)" hybrid cannabis strain tile

“got the ogkb cut of this, completely covered in trichromes, looked like it was frozen!!! super duper, grade A+ smoke. had me high as a giraffes ass!” – stankynuggsackz

OG Kush

Leafly "OG Kush" hybrid cannabis strain tile

“Smoked one bowl on the way to Oxford. High as giraffe nuts!! By far my favorite strain!!!” – SwisherSmoke

Blue Dream

Leafly "Blue Dream" hybrid cannabis strain tile

“… I’m here to tell you that “I’m am higher than giraffe pussy on this 16th day of July in the year of or great lord 2015.” – airblown

Northern Lights

Leafly "Northern Lights" indica cannabis strain tile

“Goddamn. This strain is some old school shit, but goddamn. I’m high as giraffe pussy right now.” – siredmundduke

Cherry Pie

“This is some loud shit y’all packed the one hitter once and got high than a giraffes pussy no b.s.” – Kodak1

…and finally, one reviewer who got it right:

Granddaddy Purple

Leafly "Granddaddy Purple" indica cannabis strain tile

“Dis shit got me high as a fucking giraffe” – JamesBongg

I’ll allow it, because giraffes are pretty high. (Although, as we now know, their genitals are not.)

  • Chuck Elkins

    Man, I’m high as….what was I saying ?

  • M. Valenz

    Shhhhiiiiiiittttttttt

  • Tray K.

    My favorite description is ” this shit is hotter then 1,000 suns!” 😊

  • James Talkington

    My fav is strawberry banana

  • Netwie

    Loud is the new ripped.

  • Charlie Miller

    Giraffe’s whiskers pretty high too.

  • Dom B. Lemcke

    you ppl won’t believe how JEALOUS I am of all the US residents, living in places with broad use!

    where I live, Germany, we’ve only gotten Medicinal Cannabis this past March! even worse, our socialized insurance systems pays for my Oxycontin and my Dilaudid, even when I had like 6 doctors (over)prescribing me – but now, oh no, they do not want to pay for my weed! that is, one of those 12 strains we CAN get, if there’d ever be more available than 3 or 4… paying out of own pocket is extremely pricey, about 230€ for 5g! a sad joke!

    oh, they told me to try THC drops first, instead of my THC/CBD spray, I’m currently using – I hate both those things! Cannabis is so much more than just ONE or TWO active components!
    btw, I suffer from a bad case of Multiple Sclerosis – MS – with severe spastics in my legs and pain that got me hooked on Oxy and morphine.
    still, German health insurance doesn’t want to pay for weed – even though the law says they are supposed to and they lose in court regularly vs patients… so I’m not someone just claiming to suffer from something minor to get weed for free, I’m one of those severely ill patients because of whom the German state made medicinal cannabis legal in the first place!

    because I couldn’t take the stress of fighting my insurance any more, I went to the press and now, next Thursday there is going to be a big report about my case in one of Germany’s biggest weekly newspapers!
    next Tuesday I have a date with a lawyer, who is going to help me in court.. I hope I can do somethig to help other patients in Germany.

    so, you better not forget HOW LUCKY YOU ARE in CO, CA, OR, WA and D.C. – and every other place with legal dispensaries! don’t you forget it! I wish I could visit my family in CO. they are all rather conservative people, but I’d go for the cannabis scene!

    • Mike Cosker

      Hi, I hope you do not delay any further, make the trip to see your family! But, stop in Northampton, MA, first!! 😉
      There you will find the First, publicly legal dispensary, on the US East Coast; NETA.
      Just GO …… Wishing you better health. -Mike C., Connecticut, USA